A refreshingly different view of Deia from our mystery guest celebrity bloggerApril 19, 2019

I think that pretentious guy who writes this blog is running out of ways to say how wonderful Deia is. Know what I’m saying? Because I heard Nikol, who thinks she’s my boss, and the other one with the hairy face talking on the phone to Mr Pretentiouso like wouldn’t it be awesome if they did a blog post that was like it was written by me, Zoey.

Duuuuh! I mean, have you ever heard anything so stupid? If I was going to write something it wouldn’t be about Deia. Deeeeeyaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!. I’d write my novel, darling.

I’m not impressed by this place. Although I could think of worse places to be. Buuuut, it would be great if it was flat. Nikol likes to drag me up to that church and look at what she calls ‘the lovely view’. Nikol takes pictures and we all pretend it’s all about these so-called lovely views when, in fact, we all know we’re there to take pictures of ME.

Damn straight!

What’s so lovely about hills covered in things that make your feet hurt, the sea – which you can’t drink – lots of those trees full of those green things that you think are grapes until you lick one and it tastes like you do not want to know, darling, and those really big animals with long noses and ears and teeth the size of my head that don’t speak any language I’ve ever heard?

And, it may not look like it, but I do sweat. Or, as I prefer – being a lady, of course – perspire.

I don’t do exercise, darling. Maybe the occasional Downward Dog. Get it? You know they do yoga with dogs now? I like to see Nikol try that with me. Anyway, I don’t see her lazy behind getting up any time soon.

You want to know what I think lovely is? A fresh bowl of water in the shade under a chair in that bar up the steps that Nikol has to carry me up. Or, even better, when Nikol puts a little beer in an ashtray for me – we do get some judgemental looks but, whatevuh. Talk to the paw. I luuuuves me a cold beer after a hard day in the office. But don’t tell anyone. Nikol would probably get dragged off by the dog police.

But, hey, that might not be a bad thing.

Because Nikol had this idea to make my own Instagram page. And. She. Didn’t. Ask. Me. Pre-post-er-ous. Feel me?

So now when we’re walking down the street in the village – me in one of those stoopid coats she makes me wear – I get people patting me on the top of my head and Rocky knows what – telling me I’m cute.

Do they think I don’t know, darling?

I mean, all those famous people come here because they love not being bothered. So why don’t people leave me alone? Believe me, fame is a curse. And all I get out of it is Nikol putting me in even more stoopid clothes. No, I am not ready for yet another close-up Nikol.

So, what do I like about Deia?

I luuuuve sleeping by the radiator in Nikol’s office, darling. I luuuuve when people come in to ask about houses and all that stuff. And, stop and ask yourself why Charles Marlow is so successful. What do they have that no other real estate agent in the village has?

Exqueeze moi, Nikol. Where’s my commission?